THE BOARD OF EDUCATION

 

When I was in the forth grade I knew a little girl named Barbara. She was a world-class cusser. She’d speak her mind in a way that you only heard from bad men and sailors. Then one day, Barbara had a painful meeting with The Board of Education.

Barbara was cute in her own way, although her personality was the biggest part of her charm. Looks-wise, she had a square jaw, which gave her a very commanding appearance, especially when she was angry. She was as skinny as a flagpole, and she had long brown hair that hung way down her back. One time I heard Barbara's mom say she had the prettiest hair in the whole goddamn valley. I guess that’s how Barbara learned to cuss so much.

My aunt Mary and uncle Bob were friends with Barbara’s parents. Their names were Vern and Arlene. One night at dinner, my aunt Mary told my uncle Bob that Arlene had given Barbara the trench mouth. My uncle nodded his head in agreement, and said pass the potatoes. He didn’t really care about stuff like that. I didn’t know what trench mouth was, but when I told Barbara what I had heard, she said my aunt should mind her own goddamn beeswax. That was the first time I had ever heard the word “beeswax.” I laughed.  

One time Barbara and a few of my friends and I were in a candy store. None of us had any money except for the pennies made from returning pop bottles to the corner liquor store. I wanted three suckers: one for me, one for Barbara and one for my friend Billy. Suckers were two-cents a piece, but I only had a nickel. I asked about the jawbreakers, but they were also two-cents. The ugly guy working the counter was a teenage boy named Chuck. He had pimples on top of pimples. I knew Chuck’s younger brother, so I asked if we could bring him the extra penny tomorrow. I figured he’d do me a favor. He said hell no and told us to get out. “No bums allowed,” he said. As we exited through the doorway, Barbara blurted out, “Asshole!” 

On another occasion, we were playing on the monkey bars at school and, as usual, Barbara was being a bully. She shoved kids aside, cussed them out, and stole their place in line. She did whatever she wished. The kids just ignored her, because everybody knew that if you messed with Barbara, she’d get right in your face and cuss up a blue streak. Even the big kids gave her a lot of space. Barbara wasn’t afraid of anyone.

Lucy was my favorite girl in all of Cedar Avenue School. She came from an uppity family in a ritzy neighborhood, so everything about her was always very proper. She was pretty and real tiny, maybe three feet tall, almost like a cartoon character, and she always wore very nice dresses. She was smart too, and she could play the piano like she was full-fledged grownup. During our music lessons at school, the teacher always told Lucy to play the piano while the rest of the class sang along. I’d stand as close to Lucy as I could. Sometimes she’d look up at me while she was playing and I’d turn as red as a tomato, and my jaw would freeze up like I had lockjaw. Barbara didn't like Lucy.

One day at lunchtime we were told to make a single line in front of the door to the cafeteria. It was first come, first serve, so we ran for the line as fast as we could. Lucy was first, I was near the end of the line, my friend Billy was second in line behind Lucy, and Barbara was with me. But Barbara didn’t like being in the back of the line. She said it irritated her. And before I knew it, she walked up to the front of the line and butted in right in front of Lucy. Then she turned around and yelled real loud for me to come on up and join her. All the kids looked at me. I was embarrassed beyond all imagination. Then Lucy did something I’ve never forgotten.

Lucy stepped right around Barbara and took her place back in front of the line. Well, needless to say, Barbara wasn’t used to that sort of thing, so she grabbed a wad of Lucy’s hair and jerked her right out of line. She yelled real loud, “All little bitches go to the end of the line!” Everybody was quiet. Nobody could believe it.  Kids looked at me like I had something to do with it all. I was mortified. I stayed at the back of the line and pretended like I had heard anything.

The teacher saw the whole thing and she came over and took Barbara away, shaking her something fierce, and scolding her. Barbara’s feet scraped along the asphalt and her head jerked back and forth like it was about to pop right off her neck. She had to eat lunch alone in the hallway. I guess Lucy’s mother got wind of the whole situation because she demanded that Barbara be punished. So about two days later, Barbara was sent to the principal’s office. He was a fat man with a red nose.

As we walked home that afternoon after Barbara’s visit to the principal, she had teary red eyes. I felt sad. I asked what happened in the principal’s office. She wiped her eyes and said, “I had to meet the Board of Education.” I was perplexed. “Who is that?  She looked at me like I was an ignoramus. She held her hands wide apart and said, “The Board of Education is a flat board about as long as a baseball bat. You bend over and the principal uses it to whack your butt real hard.” My eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets. “Did it hurt?” I ask. “It stings worse than a ruler, that’s for sure,” she said. “Then what?” I ask. She said he told her to stop cussing or else she’d get plenty more where that came from. "He said I had the worse trench mouth he ever heard." We both skipped to miss a crack on in the concrete sidewalk. “So are you going to stop cussing?” I ask. “Hell no,” she said. “That fat bastard can kiss my flaming red ass!”

We walked the rest of the way home laughing, skipping and throwing dirt clods just like nothing had ever happened. Barbara was one of the most interesting and wonderful friends I ever had.