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BIRDIE

  You’d have to stand twice in the same spot to make a shadow… Damn! I hated those wise cracking bodybuilders and their girlfriends from the gym across the street. After their workout, they’d come into The Burger Place where I worked for greasy burgers and thick malts; and while I was busing the counter they’d constantly make fun of my hair, my big ears, and how skinny I was. It was humiliating, and I dreamed about getting revenge.  One day while my 35-year old uncle Don and his gorgeous 21-year old wife were visiting I told them about my problems at work. He immediately had an idea. You see, Birdie had a beautiful face, a fantastic figure, a short sophisticated hairdo, and she looked a lot younger than her true age. So, they decided that her and I should go on a date in my uncle’s blue 1955 T-Bird convertible. The next afternoon, Birdie dawned a revealing halter-top and a pair of skin-tight pedal pushers. We jumped into the T-Bird and pulled into the burger place at just about the ti

BIG RED

  BIG RED ON October 4, 1957 Russia launched Sputnik into earth orbit. I was 14-years old. Uncle Bob drove a big rig. Aunt Mary ran away with a red-headed cowboy named, Big Red. With his bulging gut, shiny belt buckle, ten-gallon hat and pointy tipped cowboy boots, Big Red was all country.  Big Red and Bob and Mary were friends. They hung out at our house watching sports, barbecuing steaks and drinking cold beer by the Keg. The only problem was that Mary developed affectionate feelings for Big Red.  I came home from school one day and saw the two of them together. I didn’t see them in a full-on compromising position, but the room was definitely filled with suspicious tension. And then my alcoholic mother came to visit.  I didn’t like it when mom came around for fear she would take me away with her when she left. That meant pulling me out of school and trekking off to some awful skid row hotel in alcoholic ville. Before mom left for alcoholic ville, good old uncle Bob had sex with her

NICOTINE FIT

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* * * * * * The old drunk pounded on the door and yelled at me… I started smoking when I was four-years-old. I saw my mom and stepdad doing it, I was fascinated, so I tried it. I smoked on and off for twenty-nine years. Whenever my mom and stepdad hit the bars they made me wait in their old pickup truck. From noon until the place closed I watched the drunks going in and out. And every time they opened the bar doors, huge puffy clouds of smoke billowed out into the night air. Sometimes they’d look over at me and I’d hunker down in the seat and nervously peek over the edge of the window. They’d fight, and puke and yell and cuss. And one thing I always noticed, of course, was that they smoked. Once in a while my mom would bring me something to eat. She always had a cigarette dangling from her mouth too, and she’d squint one eye when she talked because of the smoke. She’d let me to go to the bathroom by the side of the truck. That’s when I found the pack. I was doing my business

OUR SECRET

While I was in the Nave, Dave was my best friend. We constantly hung out together. Once when I took my annual leave, he asked me to visit his family and say, "Hi," to his girlfriend. To my surprise, she wanted to do a lot more than say, "Hi!"  Dave's parents were a wonderful Italian couple. As soon as I called them, his dad rushed to pick me up at the bus depot.

OUR SECRET

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GENERAL CUSTER UNFAIRLY TRIED